How do you want to be made love to?
If you are like me, it's with attunement, deep care, presence and feeling free to express yourself in whatever way feels true to you. So how about we start with ourselves?
I call myself a self-pleasure coach and I honestly believe self-pleasure is the answer to a lot of things. I'm writing this with playfulness and seriousness at the same time.
When discussing the subject of masturbation, you might be picturing a finger or two on a clit,
or a hand rhythmically going up and down. While that can also be a part of it, I see it much broader.
For me, the art of self-pleasure is also about:
Staying in the here and now, receiving the sensations that are present.
Daring to follow what excites you and sparks you up.
Discovering the hidden piece of pleasure in anything, even the sobbing or the anger.
Being able to stay focused on what feels good, like a meditation.
Providing for myself what I need to feel safe and relaxed in my body.
Allowing myself to make daily decisions that create joy and pleasure.
Daring to play like a child, innocent and curious.
Letting go of what pleasure should look like and going without chasing a goal.
All of these skills I consider extremely valuable in any area of my life. Any human being can practice them and cultivate the inner qualities we need to live in this way. That's why I dare say: I believe self-pleasuring to be a lifestyle!
Self-care = self-pleasure
When I feel in flow, what I am connected to are my desires.
Any moment I attune to myself and do what feels good, in my body or in my mind,
I could call self-pleasure.
When I feel stuck or in distress what I am mostly aware of are my needs.
Any moment I attune to myself will be an act of regulating my nervous system.
This is self-care.
The actions or non-actions that I take, can be exactly the same for both. One time they'll work calming, activating the parasympathetic nervous system to rest, digest, restore. The other time I'm already in that state, and I can feel and receive pleasure. Both can come from a deep care for myself. I consider self-pleasure and self-care as the same thing only perceived from a different state of being.
When I practice one, I practice the other: attuning to what I need/want, mindfully following my own cues, using my breath, arriving in the here and now.
This is why it's very normal to not feel instantly juicy and ready for sexual play after a day of work. You might find yourself first needing to just lay down together and breathe. It's normal to first, before anything else exciting happens, feel like you need some cuddling, sharing what's on your heart, unwinding, calming down and if there was any tension, allowing it to melt a little away. Give your system the time to shift gears.
I wish myself pleasure and I wish you pleasure. Both in your most private life as well as in any other area of your life.
Are you in?