This is a real story that is read, approved and celebrated by my online client. 'Luna' is the name she chose to share her journey. The pictures are from her latest travels.
When Luna reached out to me, she expressed frustration, incomprehension, and helplessness. Her body felt closed and unreachable and she missed the connection with her yoni. The fear came up anytime she'd anticipate a sexual situation and she tended to feel guilty anytime she had to stop halfway because her body blocked. The intense contractions in her vagina didn't only show up during sex but also in random moments. She told me that the feeling is worse than pain.
"I want the muscles at the entrance of my vagina to feel as relaxed as if they would be joyfully hopping through a field of flowers."
"I've always felt tense around sex and masturbation happened seldom and without love. I want to break the pattern and want to desire pleasuring myself and my partner."
As we started the first session Luna had already experienced more ease and laughter in that week, just knowing this journey had begun. As we lay the foundation through yoni yoga and some gentle touch, she was surprised how cozy, yummy and sheltering it felt to hang out there. In the subtle horniness and unconditional softness, she expressed: "Ah, there you are!"
The next coming meetings there was a lot to celebrate. Luna had felt way more permission to explore her body - like a teenager - and masturbated more than ever.
She had a huge smile on her face telling me about the new conversations she had with her best friend about their vaginas.
Nevertheless, she also experienced difficulties actually doing the practices she intended to do. Some days the resistance was so huge that it felt impossible to proceed. There was also grief coming up for all the moments of pain in the past. She noticed that the connection with her yoni was almost completely gone when she was with her partner. Even though those were the moments she longed for that connection with herself the most.
Luna kept on experiencing moments of panic or shut down during lovemaking. We looked at her relationship to male genitals and she researched more about the female anatomy. She discovered it's easy to ground by attuning to her yoni. This way she creates more space for her and her bodily sensations.
Similar to her hesitation to receive physical pleasure, she had experienced difficulties celebrating her (big!) successes at work. It was beautiful to witness Luna granting herself more joy.
Luna also got more and more clear about what she needed in moments when her vagina intensely contracted. Instead of feeling betrayed by her body, she started to collaborate more with it. Together we also explored what her ideal sex agreements would be in her partnership to create the safety and connection she needed. She felt excited about more open conversations with lots of curiosity. Three weeks later she was happy to share she had felt excited about having sex and even took some initiative!
Throughout the weeks we continued exploring different ways for her to enjoy her body, which got easier every time.
From session #9 onwards she reported that the blockages during sex didn't appear anymore as physical contraction but only mental errors. This felt like a huge win and because no one misses pain, she almost didn't notice it before I asked about it!
Luckily she can still count on her yoni's fiercely expressed disagreement: Luna got to experience a nagging and closed sensation when she ignored her own boundaries in a friendship. She practiced a new way of voicing a withhold that doesn't come as criticism but rather as a desire to connect deeper.
Our last session felt like a wonderful integration of everything we'd been doing this far. At some point I invited her to roleplay telling her housemate she isn't always up for hugging and she just effortlessly applied everything we'd been exercising. I was astonished how she just soaks up everything like a sponge!
Moreover, Luna had felt challenged by grief since the first time I met her years ago when her grandmother passed away. At this point in her mourning process, she noticed there was also guilt coming up when she didn't cry or think of her lost grandma with pain. What if we can remain with the feeling of joy and gratitude of having met someone, once we moved through our grief?
She started to open up for the possibility that there is another way to acknowledge this special person and the value she's given to her life.
In that last session, she asked me to simply listen to her. As Luna could access more and more self-care and groundedness it seemed like some unacknowledged pain from the past just effortlessly got to be felt and released. Naturally, she got to feel all the times she didn't know how to be there for herself or how to respect herself in her first relationship.
Not only did I sense more relief and space with every acknowledgment she voiced, I also got to witness the most amazing cherry on the pie.
We wrapped up our totally not-related-to-yoni's conversation and Luna ended with: "My yoni now feels like this!", and she gestured a laid-back, surrendered, arms wide open position.
I want to appreciate Luna for her visual playfulness, her dedication, and her intelligence. I admire her precision and the combination of both a strong mind and a strong heart. Man, did I enjoy being with her on this journey!
"Part of me certainly hoped for a quick-fix wonder pill. But I got so much more out of this than I had imagined! You know the saying: “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” That's how it feels to me."
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