This text is a transcript of the podcast episode identically title.
Lore Blancke
Welcome back to the intimate breath talks podcast. And I'm here again with Kelsey Phillip: bodyworker, passionate mom and trauma geek.
Kelsey Filip
Hey. I'm very excited for today.
Lore Blancke
Yes. Because today's intention... well, let's say, I love breaking taboos. And talking about the things that people normally don't talk about. This episode is about giving oral sex. And it's a little bit edgy to talk about this on a podcast, but I'm also really excited about it. It's a conversation we have also had before together, so I feel happy to expand on that.
Kelsey Filip
I'm really glad you do because I had never, never heard anyone talk about some of the things that you will be sharing.
Lore Blancke
How do we start this?
Kelsey Filip
Maybe we could just hear about your relationship to oral sex.
Lore Blancke
Yes, oral sex has felt always much more vulnerable than ... even penetration. Whether it's receiving or giving, giving to a man or to woman, it has always felt very vulnerable to have genitals close to my face. And especially if, like, I have given oral sex without feeling a full Yes. And then I could even feel disgusted. And yet still do it. Then there's just like this cringing inside. For quite a while I never really enjoyed it. I gave it to my partner and I could feel okay with it, to give it, but I never really enjoyed it for myself. Until I was at a workshop: a Wheel of Consent training. And someone dropped the idea of actually giving oral sex completely for your own pleasure. Taking pleasure with your mouth, with your tongue. How would you actually take a cock inside your mouth in a way that gives you pleasure. And for me, that was a mind blowing idea. And I actually decided to, for a while, just have the agreement with my lovers that I'm not giving oral sex at all, as the default. There's no expectation whatsoever that I'm giving oral sex, unless I really honestly feel the impulse inside of me to give it. And it took a while. It took some months. But then, at some point, I started to feel this longing to have his cock closer to my mouth, and to actually play with my lips. And I started to enjoy a lot of the play around my lips with fingers. And playing with the jaws and the chin also of my partners. So there was just a natural attraction to the mouth and actually having something inside of my mouth. And that was very, very new for me. To feel that. I was totally surprised to notice: oh, wow, I want to give oral sex. I had never experienced that before. How's that for you?
Kelsey Filip
I can relate. I can relate to your story. I guess I thought oral sex was always something we gave. It was like: okay, I'm going to do this service, I'm going to choke myself for your pleasure. But lately my experience is that I still feel very uncomfortable receiving oral sex. So when I want to give it, I like it. It kind of gives me a place where I feel safe. So to give oral sex, I feel really like I have control and I feel like they're vulnerable. And in that place I started feeling more pleasure in my body and I felt excited about doing something that was so sexual. That was something that I don't usually get to do. And also, there's so much pleasure we get from eating food, from putting things in our mouths and using our tongues. There's so much pleasure straight from breastfeeding times and when we were babies we were always putting everything in our mouths all the time. It's like one of our main stimulation points. So yes, when I heard you talk about it more and as you're going to continue here, it opened my mind that I've been missing that this area of the body is actually just as open to pleasure and stimulation as our yoni's. Also, as you've mentioned before, that there is an intense connection between our mouths and our yonis, and our jaw. How they could work together to open each other up...
Lore Blancke
Totally, on the fascia level, the diaphragms of the mouth is so connected with the diaphragm and the pelvic floor, and the diaphragm at the lower ribs. And there's this Vagus nerve that is running through the throat. When we open the throat and when we open our sound and our breathing, and relax the jaws, it's having an immediate effect on how much we can feel in our pelvis and our Yoni and anus and everything there. And I can definitely feel that link. When I'm having sex, and I feel at some point ready to open up more, I can feel that in order to feel more in my yoni right now, my attention now goes to my Jaws, or the other way around. It comes very natural. It comes very natural in the sense that the more I am attuned to my body, the more I trust those impulses and how they are guiding me to more opening and in a way more healing. Kelsey, what is your experience with jaws and mouth tension in the sessions you give, the body work.
Kelsey Filip
This is definitely a spot that will tell a lot about how someone is feeling. And in most yoga classes, you're being guided to relax the jaw, relax face muscles. Maybe you've had partners and you've heard them clenching their teeth at night. And I find it's so subconscious. It's just a part of the body we don't spend so much time with. I mean, you know, it's the your chin. How often do you massage and caress those areas? I can really see the value. And if anyone has had any neck pain or headaches, I mean, they might be starting in the jaw very well.
Lore Blancke
They even discovered for runners and sporters that the pressure on the teeth from clenching the jaw or just stored permanent continuous tension, has a direct effect on the coordination of the body and the balance in the feet. They found a correlation there. This is an area that is the last portal where, when we release emotions, we can hold it in. When we want to say yes, or we want to say no, the mouth and the jaws are the last portal where we can actually hold it: clenching the teeth and just closing the mouth, tensed up lips, not feeling free to express.
Kelsey Filip
I'm even thinking about all sexual pleasure expression. How many of us struggle to make sounds when we're feeling pleasure? How many of us struggle to sound, in case they sound ugly or funny? Oh, it's all very new for me. So I'm really excited about making these connections in my mind and body.
Lore Blancke
And another layer of this that is relatively new for me is actually opening in the throat. When I give oral sex, taking the penis further down my throat (deepthroating) and opening up there. It's just another layer of surrender, another layer of trust and it's almost weird for myself that I'm enjoying it. There is a pleasure in the surrender. Almost like anal sex, where it's a lot about just really letting go of control. Yeah, this is so edgy for me to talk about here. So, but the pleasure in the throat as well as the anus is very different than the clit, g-spot area or the cervix. It's the releasing, the letting go, the surrender, the trust. Especially also when someone is actually moving inside of your mouth. Or holding your hair or your chin, that is even more vulnerable. It's really asking a lot of trust in not only yourself but also your partner. So, I find that when I'm in this experience of opening in my throat, my jaws are also responding a lot. Again, when there's a lot of release happening it can feel just like hardness and pain that is slowly melting. Or even like a soft trembling in my jaws, that is happening in trauma release or in muscle tension release, like in TRE. Maybe for people that don't know this trembling: it's the same trembling as when you feel very angry or very anxious. It's the muscles wanting to move the energy that is there. And it happens also with energy that is stuck in muscles when it gets released. And so that's what I'm noticing, this opening in the throat, opening in the jaws, it just allows for more freedom in the body and more aliveness. Freeing up!
Kelsey Filip
So many possibilities. So many more places in the body to explore, emotions to uncover, old stories, finding more freedom in the body. More room for pleasure. Definitely an area I was not thinking about. Not thinking about using a penis to do that.
Lore Blancke
It's like dearmoring with a penis. Yeah, like you can be denumbing or dearmouring in the vagina.
Kelsey Filip
It makes so much sense.
Lore Blancke
Thank you for being with me in this conversation, Kelsey!
Kelsey Filip
And thank you for sharing your edge with us. I'm sure there's many of us who appreciate your courage.
Ready for more pleasure and looking for some guidance? Write me so we can look together what is possible.