This text is a transcript of the podcast episode identically title.
Today, I will share with you five keys to more sexual bliss. So whether you are masturbating or you are having sex with others, these keys are essential to expand your pleasure. You might find yourself self pleasuring and maybe sometimes you are not feeling anything or you're overthinking. Maybe you're having sex with your lover and you find yourself pleasing or performing. You might be longing for more connection. Each of these five keys will help you to get more in your body, to really feel and receive the pleasure of every moment and to connect first and foremost with yourself. And when we are talking about partner sex, they will also allow you to connect deeper with your partner, or partners. Cool. Let's get started.
Key #1: Be Curious & Be Open For Surprise
Because no single time, are we the same person. Every moment is so unique. We have different feelings, different emotions, different levels of hormones running through our body. Every situation is so different. So how limiting is it to always strive for the same experience? One time you're loud, one time or still. Maybe you feel tender, the other time you feel more wild. Soft, rough, connected, less connected, emotional,... it doesn't matter. It's all welcome. Can it all be part of your sex life? Can sex be an expression of your internal state, and maybe even a state shifter? Whether you are alone with yourself or whether you are with someone else, or multiple people: can you be curious about what wants to emerge in that moment? Can you trust that in the space around you, in the space within you, in the space in between you and the other, there is already something happening? You can tap into that and you can move and you can make love from there. Are you open to be surprised?
Key #2: Play With Your Breath & Play With Sound
This is so important and I feel super passionate about this. First of all, let's talk about the breath. It is so simple. It's our number one survival human need. And yet we often underestimate the power of our breath. So experiment with it and play!
There is not one way of using your breath as a tool to expand your pleasure. Whether you make it longer, whether you breathe together with a partner, whether you focus on the inhale, or on the exhale, whether you breathe mouth to mouth, or you breathe very fast, it's all good. They all have their own unique effect, as long as you breathe! Because as you may have noticed, sometimes when we get closer to intensity, we just hold our breath, we just stop breathing. And it's our breath that allows us to feel alive, to feel aliveness, to feel the energy move inside of us, which is very connected with pleasure.
Through tantric practices and also yoni egg practices, I got familiar with some breathing practices that are specifically used in sexual situations. In the beginning I really had to think about it. I had to focus mainly on the breath and I couldn't really combine it so much with anything else that I wanted to do. Now when I am masturbating, the breath is automatically a very important part of it. Especially when it gets more intense and I have the tendency to just hold my breath and tense up my muscles, I practice to relax them, to keep on relaxing them and to keep on breathing.
I love imagining that I breathe up all the sensations, all the pleasure that is happening in my pelvis. I breathe it up all the way through to core of my body, to the tip of my head, maybe even up until right above my head. And then I let sink down the outbreath, back landing in my pelvis. I keep on going up and down with my breath. And very easily I can orgasm into a feeling of oneness. It makes me feel very connected with everything around me and myself.
It took me a while before I could also implement more of the breath in my partner sex. Because there are more things to focus on: I want to take care of the connection, I want to be interactive, and at the same time, I wanted to practice to really breathe. During partner sex sometimes it requires me to turn more inward into my own body, into my own system.
My advice would be to first practice it by yourself. And then later on you'll notice that it's just a natural thing for you to do, it goes kind of automatic. And so you can easily also bring it into your partner sex.
Then there's also sounding! With breath comes easily sound. When you breathe properly, you can make noise, you can express through your voice. And this is so important. Now, I know you might have roommates, you might have family, you might have children. Making sounds is not always possible. It's just important to acknowledge that when I have the feeling I can't make as much sound as I want, it really limits me in my pleasure. It is scientifically proven that the floor of our mouth, the jaws and the throat are both neurologically as well as through connective tissue connected with the pelvic floor, as well as with our diaphragm. So when you open up your throat, you massage your pelvic floor by the vibration of your voice. You express yourself through opening your jaws. Relaxing your mouth has such a big impact on your genital area. Making sounds feels intimate and might feel vulnerable. I noticed that I only do it when I really trust, when I feel really safe, when I feel connected with myself. So it's a good thermometer that tells me where I am at. When I'm really in my body and in the moment, my sounds come automatically. If sounding is new to you, again, try it out by yourself. Maybe in a space where you really know no one can hear you, like the car. Experiment with exaggerating it, try playing with it. Just try it out, even when it feels silly or not like you.
Key #3: Bring Presence To Your Body
Everyone has thoughts. It isn't a matter of turning off your thinking. It is part of you, it's part of the experience. So instead let's try to implement it. You might find yourself very much in your head: you're thinking a lot, you're worrying a lot.
First of all, consider your brain as an important part of you! Its main task is to keep you safe. And so maybe there is actually something that your thoughts are trying to 'mind' you for. Maybe there is a sense of unsafety because you need to check something with your partner, or take care of something in your environment. Before you can fully relax, are there some assumptions that you want to check with your lover? Do you feel completely safe with how you're handling your contraception? Is there something your body needs? So this is the first step when you are overthinking: it's okay and maybe there's a reason. Don't beat yourself up and take care of yourself.
If you've checked whether there's anything to take care of and you've done that, then you can intentionally bring more focus. Focus to your body. Whether you are by yourself or with someone else, see if you can really start naming for yourself, maybe even out loud, what is happening inside.
Can you feel your clothing? How is your belly doing? Can you feel your bedsheets against the soles of your feet?
Whatever it is that you're noticing concerning your body and the sensations, start really bringing your focus there. If your mind wanders off again, that's perfectly fine. You are training mindfulness here. You can do this by yourself, you can do this together as well. If you get experienced in this, the most simple sensation can become very delicious. When you're just cuddling and the mouth of your partner is close to your neck, you might start focusing solely on a warm breath against your neck and how pleasurable that feels for you. Or it might be the weight on your hips that feels really good: it feels really grounding and you're just there with your awareness. And it feels really yummy.
When I am physically close with the person in my life where I have the longest sexual relationship with, my first boyfriend from when I was 16, this is a built-in practice. We are attuned and we know each other very well. In these situations when one of us doesn't feel connected with themselves or with the other (which is the same thing), one of us just starts naming sensations during cuddling or lovemaking. So I might start saying: "I feel your hand and your fingers through my hair." And he might answer: "I can feel a little bit of sweat in between our bodies." And I can answer: "I can feel some pressure in my chest." And he might answer: "I can feel your nipple caressing against my chest." And so we go a few times back and forth. Afterwards we just continue with what we're doing. And it really brings us back both to ourselves and our bodies, as well as to each other.
This even works with a new lover with who I haven't done these kind of intentional practices, or who doesn't know why I'm doing it. When I want to bring more focus, I can just start naming some sensations. And it's actually not really weird (or maybe it is? Haha.) In my experience, it brings more intimacy. And it can actually be sexy as well: to name the more arousing sensations or the more arousing places of your body and mix that into the lovemaking.
Key #4: Dare To Slow Down
Super important! This is one of my favorites. It might sound boring, I know. But it's such a big key and it has helped me tremendously. I use it whenever I notice a contraction or too much thoughts. Or when I find myself in patterns of pleasing or performing. When I am acting from a lot of 'shoulds', I know I have to slow down. When I slow down and take a breath, the rest happens by itself.
So as I already mentioned, when it comes to self pleasuring, it's very easy to go faster, faster, faster and tense up and hold your breath. And I invite you to experiment with how it is to now and then just slow down a little bit. Slow down your touch and deepen your breathing. Notice how it is to just relax your pelvic floor when it was completely contracted before. It might feel like by slowing down, you're actually losing the intensity or losing the closeness to your orgasm or losing the pleasure. It's not like that. In the beginning it might now and then feel like that. But very often it actually enhances the pleasure. It enhances the connection with your body and your capacity to really receive all the sensations that are happening inside of you.
I'd love to give you again an example! Together with this same lover as I mentioned above, I've done some intentional practices with the breath and slowing down. We have experimented with setting timers: every time the timer went off after some minutes, we just by default took a break. We took a moment to feel ourselves and we're maybe sharing some things that we noticed in ourselves. From there, we continued again. We noticed that the quality of our lovemaking became a lot better. Now when I slow down in the middle of something and take a slower breath, he will automatically join me. We can just take a few breaths like that before we continue. When I do that I have the opportunity to check in with myself again, to find my balance again, when I lost it before. It support me to feel what I actually want.
Key #5: Free Your Emotions
Last key for now. Yes, sex can be an expression of everything! Sex can be a tool for you to really connect with what is underneath the surface. Sex is intimate, sex is expressive, sex is really allowing the core of you to be vibrant and alive. So allow laughing, allow crying, allow nonviolent anger when it's there. If you want to feel more pleasure, if you want to feel more goodness, you will have to be willing to also feel anything else that is stored in your body or that you haven't acknowledged yet.
You might have been walking around through the day feeling kind of numb. There is this bodywork called dearmoring or denumbing. And this is also what can naturally happen during sex, if you allow it to be there. So sex can be a tool for you to open up to more feeling. the more you open up to emotions, and express them, the more you will also be able to feel pleasure. And maybe you will even start noticing that there is pleasure also in crying, pleasure in being angry and feeling the power in your hips.
Years back I started exploring my genitals in a new way: I started massaging my yoni, started with the breathing and explored some release work. Quite quickly I noticed that the times when I couldn't really sleep, there was often something underneath the surface that I didn't want to feel. But it activated me and it was really keeping my body awake. There was a certain fastness, a certain pace, inside. I just didn't want to look at it.
I found out that if I would start self pleasuring in a slow way, and really slowly connect with my body, in the beginning, my body would feel numb. Especially my yoni: I wouldn't really feel a lot. That indicated to me that I somehow felt numb overall, as well. As I would continue massaging, continue breathing, continue exploring what feels pleasurable, in that moment, I would wake up more and more to feeling. And most of the time there would come a crying or there would come some anger release of some kind. There would be some intense emotion that wanted to be felt. And then after that, I can feel so much more pleasure. So I have used sex to get more in touch with my emotions and to get more in touch with my pleasure, and the other way around as well.
So my dear, this is an invitation for you to allow more aliveness. And being alive means embracing all facets of life. Open your arms for every possible human experience that is here, and that you are meant to live. Do you dare to feel yourself? I promise you, it's worth trying it. And I promise you that as you practice opening up and allowing emotions, they become way less scary. You expand your capacity to be with them in such a way that after a while, every single situation also entails some kind of pleasure. Even if it is combined with something that feel uncomfortable.
These were the five keys to more sexual bliss that I wanted to share with you now. And I hope these are valuable for you. Please let me know! Send me a message if this was valuable for you. Share it with your friends, or support me by sharing it through social media. And let's together create a world with more people experiencing unbound aliveness and unbound bliss!